I never tire of British wit

by Guest Sat Jun 30, 2012 3:16 pm

A fat black American light bulb walks into a wet Japanese pub and says to the Ethiopian unicorn behind the bar, "How many Wayne Rooneys tripping on acid does it take to rape a dismembered Jewish baby from Norfolk?"

"Adele," comes the priceless reply, "because my frigid schizophrenic Irish wife never leaves the kitchen without a dildo up her cunt after snorting the ashes of Charlie Sheen's nan who, incidentally, kidnapped Maddie and kept her in Fritzl's cellar until Arsenal won the treble and Gaddafi was shot by the French for cowardice."

"That's bollocks," squeaks Justin Bieber, "everyone knows the real answer: Gary Glitter fucked Alex Ferguson's wee brother up the bum with the severed leg of a Scottish lesbian ginger who got thrown off The X Factor for singing an ode to Kate Middleton's ring while giving Lady Gaga an oily tugjob."

"Both wrong," says Stephen Hawking, stroking his sexy Rottweiler, "the answer is pie thymes ate."

by **enginineerer** Sat Jun 30, 2012 3:18 pm

ラティオス wrote:"How many Wayne Rooneys tripping on acid does it take to rape a dismembered Jewish baby from Norfolk?"

i stopped reading right there.

by Guest Sat Jun 30, 2012 3:20 pm

DoctorIceCat wrote:
ラティオス wrote:"How many Wayne Rooneys tripping on acid does it take to rape a dismembered Jewish baby from Norfolk?"
i stopped reading right there.

But you're missing out on a delightful tale

by Guest Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:57 pm

I saw this guy in the shop the other day, what a prick.

I shouted over to him 'oi you small cunt, get out of the shoe aisle none of them will fit'

He looked at me, furious, farting triumphantly all the while.

'What did you say, you dung beetle?'

Sure enough, he was right in asserting that I was a dung beetle. However, this did little to nothing to rid him of the embarrassment of knowing that he was a midget.

Soon I realised I may have been hasty in calling him a small cunt, disregarding his feelings somewhat.

Then I thought 'fuck it what a shit' and pooed on his wife and child.

by **L_Clan Ruso** Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:00 pm

tl;dr

by Guest Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:03 pm

Richard wrote:tl;dr

ur a faget

by Guest Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:04 pm

A fat man walked into a bar, cursing his bad luck for being such a fat cunt.

Suddenly, nobody came up to him and said anything at all, so he continued to live life as a fat, horrible cunt.

Suddenly, he proceeded to pick up, unwrap and eat the bar he had walked into.

Then a German bellend came up to him and exclaimed:

'Herr FatCoont, Ich habe ein joke for you. Ready?'

'No.' said Malcolm.

'Vell, I Vill tell u anyvay. You are a fat cunt and you are, somehow, eating a bar.'

So Malcolm ate the german shit as well.

Bon appeTIT.

by **enginineerer** Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:04 pm

Richard wrote:tl;dr

by Guest Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:07 pm

DoctorIceCat wrote:
Richard wrote:tl;dr

Bon appeTIT.

by Guest Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:08 pm

'Oh no' said Henry 'I forgot to put my shoes on before going trollop hunting in Bait Town.'

'Shit' shouted his humble servant, with a wry smile.

'I know' said Henry, 'regrettably that was my only chance to put them on as well'

'As well as what?' replied the servant.

Suddenly the shit conversation was interrupted by the arrival of a huge angry trollop, squelching loudly at them.

Thus, it seemed, Henry's trollop had taken the bait after all.

'Quick!!' screamed Henry 'Fetch the pilchards!'

The trollop was so surprised by the suggestion that it spontaneously combusted with a huge grin, realising it had forgotten to pay its rent.

Terry the pilchard screamed 'Get me out of this tin! I need to pay my rent as well'

'As well as what? Your hooker?' chided the servant, Paedo Phil.

'YOU ARE THE SHITTEST FUCKING PRICK I'VE EVER COME ACROSS, PHIL!!' soothed Henry latheringly.

'You have never come anywhere near me sir, except for last Shroobsday shreevening just before Cunt. What the bloody hell are you talking about?'

'Flobberdobblibblobbleep' cursed the Trollop, having spontaneously combusted a while ago.

'Willyou shut the cunt up you bullflappering woggledeshit' whispered Henry gently, to Cecil the doormat.]]jklj98jio;l4

Ow!' screamed nobody in particular.

Suddenly the reader realised that, taken in the right light, it was the funnies joke of all time, including 4:30 last Wobblesday.

SHIT

by **L_Clan Ruso** Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:09 pm

ラティオス wrote:
DoctorIceCat wrote:
Richard wrote:tl;dr

Bon appeTIT.

he he he he

by Guest Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:23 pm

I was in tesco the other day and I looked down aisle 14 and saw the whole of the chinese race.

I told them to go back to their own country.

They said "Never, I take over your country now".

So I poked them in the eyes and they've been squint ever since.

by **L_Clan Ruso** Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:31 pm

ラティオス wrote:I was in tesco the other day and I looked down aisle 14 and saw the whole of the chinese race.

I told them to go back to their own country.

They said "Never, I take over your country now".

So I poked them in the eyes and they've been squint ever since.

olollololololololololololollololololololololololololloloollolololololololololollollo

by Guest Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:37 pm

I am an amputee with one leg.

I was in the supermarket when some wanker chav came up to me and said 'oi mate, hows your leg?'

Needless to say, I was displeased.

So I ripped his leg off, attached it to myself and said,

'well, you cunt, looks like your shoes on my other foot'

by Guest Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:39 pm

How many blacks does it take to change a light bulb?

12.

1 to order chicken for the group.

2 to sell drugs to one another and then fight about whether the word bulb is spelt with an s or a p.

1 to make epic one word comments at regular intervals, such as 'beef' or 'yehyeh'

1 to sell drugs to the light bulb.

1 to shit on the floor and accuse the shit of being a racist.

4 to join in the heckling at the poo.

2 to sell drugs to the shit.

by **dogman is stupid** Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:42 pm

ラティオス wrote:
How many blacks does it take to change a light bulb?

12.

1 to order chicken for the group.

2 to sell drugs to one another and then fight about whether the word bulb is spelt with an s or a p.

1 to make epic one word comments at regular intervals, such as 'beef' or 'yehyeh'

1 to sell drugs to the light bulb.

1 to shit on the floor and accuse the shit of being a racist.

4 to join in the heckling at the poo.

2 to sell drugs to the shit.

this is hilarious.

by **L_Clan Ruso** Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:44 pm

ラティオス wrote:I am an amputee with one leg.

I was in the supermarket when some wanker chav came up to me and said 'oi mate, hows your leg?'

Needless to say, I was displeased.

So I ripped his leg off, attached it to myself and said,

'well, you cunt, looks like your shoes on my other foot'

i dont get it

by Guest Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:45 pm

Richard wrote:
i dont get it

that's the joke
i think
there's a punchline in there somewhere
hopefully

by **enginineerer** Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:46 pm

ラティオス wrote:
DoctorIceCat wrote:
Richard wrote:tl;dr

Bon appeTIT.

tl;dr

by Guest Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:55 pm

I was enjoying a Sunday roast at my gran's house.

AND THEN I CUMMED ON HER FACE!!!!!!!

by Guest Sun Jul 01, 2012 4:50 am

I was bringing laundry up to my sons room, I opened the door to find my 15 year old son masturbating. The first thing I do is look at him. He quickly pulled his pants up and looked at the ground.

I place the cloths on the dresser and started yelling. I grabbed his arm and pulled him off the bed. Then I repeatedly slapped his genitals.

He fell to the ground crying but serves him right for doing something wrong.

by Guest Sun Jul 01, 2012 4:52 am

I Saw This Kid With A LolliPop And Thought Oo Ill Get One... So I Went To The Sweet Shop And Guess Fucking What They Had Sold Out. And I Thought Right I Need One And Then I Had It I Knew What I Was Going To Do, How I Was Getting A Lollipop. I Simply Walked Up To The Kid And Ripped It Out Of His Hands Then His Mum Saw Him Crying And Slapped Me Right Across The Face Snatched The Lollipop Right Of My Hands And Handed It Back To Her Kid And I Got Pissed I Needed A New Method And I Had It, It Was Infallable Airtight And I Was Ready I Saw The Bus Grabbed The Kid Snatched The Lollipop And Before It Could Scream BAM! So I Guess The Moral Of The Story Is How Do You Get A Lollipop Of A Kid??? Eh? Eh? Throw It Into A Bus.

by Guest Sun Jul 01, 2012 4:54 am

Jack and Jill, went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water...

Then Jack pushed Jill down the well, where he then received death threats from the public, submitted his story to several newspapers, had BBC News do a coverage on the story, a Twitter page solely to publicly abuse Jack. Jack's reason behind pushing Jill down the well was because Jill yelled vigorously at him when he came home from the farmer's market and bought three magic beans instead of a cow which they could sell for meat to help pay for Jill's dad whom is in hospital dying of Cancer.

by **Queen Kghyilda** Sun Jul 01, 2012 5:00 am

i don't get your british humor

by Guest Sun Jul 01, 2012 5:01 am

RTCity wrote:i don't get your british humor

neither do i

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